Sheesh, it’s been a long time since I’ve even logged in to the blog, much less wrote anything! I have been journaling a lot more this summer since I was working through a lot, and I kept thinking about sharing on here but so much of it felt too personal, or whiny, or just me blabbing on forever, so I just kept it to pen and paper. But I’ve been thinking a lot the last couple of days about some conversations I’ve had with friends recently and things that have been going on in myself, and I felt moved to share on here.
So, here we go 🙂 This weekend was an absolutely beautiful one, full of so many good, happy occasions, and then a little bit of my gross brokenness came through and it sucked, but then the Lord used it to really convict me and show me His love, and it all ended up good again 🙂
Saturday was a day filled with so much celebration: it was one of my closest friends’ birthday, my sister & her husband’s wedding anniversary, my roommate’s bachelorette party, and another one of my close friends had her baby! I spent the day smiling and feeling thankful for all the joy I was seeing around me, and I had genuine happiness for my friends and their blessings… and then I was hit with what I struggle not give in to – that nagging voice that was saying “What about me? Why have you forgotten about me yet again, Lord?”. This was at the end of the night, as I was sitting with a bunch of friends winding down from a long day, and maybe it was all the emotions running high all day, or the fact that I’d been drinking wine in a hot tub, but all of a sudden I felt suffocated and just wanted to go home. I left my friend’s house and walked home in a pouty huff, with a bad attitude and childish outlook of everyone is getting more/better things than me.
A couple of friends stopped by when I got home, and as I complained about feeling forgotten, I started feeling convicted because I started remembering the good I have been experiencing in my life lately, and as soon as I started thinking about that, I saw just how silly I was to think that God has forgotten me and is blessing everyone except for me. You see, as I let myself fall into this pity party of “Why don’t I have big parties thrown for me? Where’s my husband and the family I thought I so clearly heard You tell me I would one day have? Why are all these great things happening to everyone around me and not me? What about ME, Lord?”, as I fell into that pity party and took my eyes off of Jesus and loving others, I became self-absorbed, started comparing myself and forgot about the way He is just pouring out heaps of blessings on me in completely different yet equally beautiful ways. I forgot about how much I love each of the people that had reason to celebrate that day and how incredible it’s been to see the Lord work in their lives. I forgot to praise Him for the healing, redemption, joy that my friends have experienced after going through struggles, tears, hards time but staying strong and obedient in following Him.
But most of all, I forgot about what He did for me. Not just the blessings that He’s been showering me with lately, but that He died for me and chose to do so so that I could have true life in Him. The truth is, it wasn’t that long ago that I was in such a dark, horrible place in my life, that I was someone who hurt others and hurt myself and was completely lost. Sometimes I look back and that person seems like a total stranger, but other times, I let that old brokenness comes roaring back as if I had not been transformed into a new being; those are the times that I forget about Him coming along and bringing me out of that. How can I sit there and complain that He doesn’t care about me as much as He cares for others when I know what He snatched me out of? And that since the day I decided to follow Him, He has been pursuing me relentlessly?! He has been patient, merciful, generous, loving, and shown unbelievable grace to me over and over, no matter how many times I give into lies and feel like turning back to old habits because I have taken my eyes off of Him.
You guys, He hasn’t forgotten about me at all; He never forgets about us! I see how He has blessed me with the most incredible family and group of friends that love me and hold me accountable and call me out when needed, and do so in the most loving ways, they themselves showing patience and grace that reflects Christ and points me back to Him. I am blessed to have work, including a new job I felt He had waiting just for me, to have opportunities to create and stretch beyond what I knew I was capable of, and to love doing what I do. I am blessed to have a home I love so much, and man! has He been providing for me in the most crazy awesome ways so that my dream of having a home with a guest room so I can host people who need a place can become a reality. I mean, serious provision and blessings being poured out on me, and I was not paying attention to them because I was too busy looking around at what I didn’t have and what He hasn’t given me instead of at Him.
I spent a good deal of time with the Lord on Sunday repenting for my hardened heart and thanking Him for all He has done in and for me. I told Him that I don’t want to be a person that is constantly comparing myself to others – that I am not thin enough, or successful enough, or have a beautiful enough home or a family – IT’S EXHAUSTING. I want to be joyful and happy for my friends, to be for them, encouraging them, lifting them up, instead of looking at their blessings, being pouty about not having those specific ones, and using that as a way to bring myself down. I pray that I stop looking at myself and others in comparison to one another, and that I can instead see them and myself the way He looks at each of us. I pray that I remember to always have a heart full of thanksgiving and come alongside others in their joy, not in jealousy. Most of all, I just pray that what He has done for me, the most beautiful thing that can happen to a person, is always enough for me without it having to come attached with worldly wants.